Loyalty
by Brandywine421
Summary: Post-Thanksgiving episode. What if Trey needed another favor? Where does Ryan's loyalty lie?
1. One

Loyalty

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the OC. 

AN: Written immediately following the Thanksgiving episode. 

Ryan wasn't expecting to hear from his brother again. Marissa was the only person that knew the whole story about Thanksgiving and that was just because she was there. Whenever she would try and get more details, he would shut down and tell her to leave it alone. 

Seth had asked, more out of his insecurity concerning Ryan's relationship with his blood relative compared to their own, but Ryan told him that he no longer had a relationship with Trey. The black eye had been explained away without mentioning a stolen car or a chop shop. Just a favor for Trey gone awry.

Ryan walks toward the ringing phone without hesitation. Sandy, Kirsten and Seth all had questioned him about his failure to answer the phone in the main house so now he answers it immediately.

"Hello?" He answers. Seth barely glances up from his homework.

"Collect call from.Trey Atwood." Ryan is chilled hearing his brother's voice intermingled with the computerized message. "Will you accept the charges?"

"Yes." Ryan steps away from Seth, lowering his voice. Sandy is in the den and Kirsten is in the dining room so he turns away from Seth, facing the wall.

"Can I speak to Ryan?"

"What's going on, man?" Ryan asks. He could retreat to the patio but knows that Seth would question him. He doesn't know why, but he knows that this phone call is not good news. 

"Hey. Not much. Just wanted to check in." 

"Really?" Ryan asks. He puts a hand against the wall and lowers his head. He can hear the uncertainty in Trey's voice. He doesn't see Seth watching him, alerted by his tense posture. Seth recognizes it from his interactions with Luke, Dawn and Julie Cooper. 

"Yeah. Really. Can't a big brother check on his baby brother?"

"Yeah, sure. It's cool." Ryan isn't going to give Trey the satisfaction of asking what he wants. 

"So.you think.ah shit, Ry." Trey mutters. "Man, I need another favor."

"After what happened last time, why the fuck should I listen to anything you say?" Ryan asks, forgetting his surroundings for a moment and raising his voice. 

"Because you owe me." Trey replies.

Sandy comes into the kitchen, glancing at Seth, concerned. Ryan never raises his voice. Seth shrugs, but is clearly concerned. 

Ryan closes his eyes, ignoring their questioning glances. He leans his forehead against the wall.

"Ryan, you fucking owe me and you know it."

"I don't owe you anything," Ryan whispers. Sandy ignores Seth's warning and walks over, putting a hand on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan shakes him off, taking several steps back.

"I just need you to pick up something and take it to Gattas."

"No. No, I won't." Ryan says, stopping cold.

"Ryan, you fucking owe me this!"  
"Maybe I owed you last time, but you and me, we're square."

"I saved your life."

"Fuck you," Ryan hisses. "You were the one that fucking killed me to start it off," He says. He is trembling and doesn't feel Sandy's hands on his shoulders. 

"Hang up. Now, Ryan," Sandy says.

"Ryan, please.I need this.they're going to kill me." Trey pleads, desperation leaking into his words. Ryan hesitates, closing his eyes and putting a hand over his face.

"Trey, why are you asking me this? You know I can't."

Sandy's face dawns with recognition. 

"There's no one else I can ask."

Ryan meets Sandy's gaze, his blue eyes are pools of confusion. Sandy shakes his head, slowly. 

"I can't, man."

"They're going to kill me and you're just.I can't believe this! I can't believe you're going to fuck me like this! I never ask you for anything.I would do anything for you." As Trey continues, Ryan listens silently. Seth, who has come to stand beside Sandy, glances at his father as they hear the yells of Ryan's brother. Ryan turns away, shaking off Sandy's hands. 

"Hey. We're done," Ryan says. 

"If they kill me, it's on your head. It'll be your fault."

Ryan lowers the phone, his brother's voice still audible. He drops it on the carpet and stands motionless.

"Ryan?" Seth calls.

Ryan picks up the phone after a beat, hitting the off button. 

"Ryan, what was that all about?" Sandy demands.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," Ryan says blankly, his eyes unfocused and dark with emotion.

"It didn't sound like nothing," Sandy replies.

"It was nothing. A wrong number." Ryan's face flickers with emotion for an instant and then he walks from the room. He steps onto the patio and leans over, his hands on his knees.

"Ryan. Are you okay? Because you just scared the hell out of me in there and I need to know that you're okay."

"I'm okay.I.I just can't believe he'd call me again and ask me for a favor.not after last time." Ryan whispers.

"He.he sounded pretty upset." Seth replies. 

"I mean.what if I did the wrong thing, Seth? He's my brother and I should do everything I can to help him.but I don't want to get arrested."

"So you helping him is illegal?" Seth asks slowly. Ryan answers him with a glance. "Then you know that you can't help him. Dude, you can't afford to get in trouble, you did the right thing."

"You think?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. He'll be fine and once he comes to his senses, he'll understand," Seth replies.

*****


	2. Two

Several weeks later, Ryan catches a ride to school with Marissa and doesn't see Seth until they are changing classes for third period.

"Hey, dude, you left so early that you didn't give Rosa a chance to give you this," Seth says, leaning against Ryan's locker. He holds out an envelope.

"What's this?" Ryan asks, flipping the letter with no return address around in his hand. 

"Don't know. Open it and find out," Seth replies. The bell rings for class. Seth groans in anticipation.

"I'll fill you in at lunch, spaz," Ryan smiles. He goes to History and sits down beside Luke. His once sworn enemy, Luke, is now one of Ryan's few friends in Newport. They have made peace with Ryan's relationship with Marissa and are great teammates on their winning soccer team. 

"Did you finish that chapter last night?" Luke whispers as they wait for the professor. Ryan slides him a set of notes. He tears open the letter. 

He recognizes his mother's handwriting. Luke glances at him and is stunned. All the color drains from Ryan's flesh and his hands are shaking as his eyes scan the piece of yellow paper. 

"You okay, Chino?" Luke asks, concerned.

"I'm going to be sick." Ryan says calmly, dropping the letter and bolting from the classroom. The teacher, knowing Ryan is an exemplary student, sends Luke to check on him. Luke gathers Ryan's books so he can take them to the nurse. Luke finds him in the bathroom, vomiting violently in one of the stalls. Luke waits for several minutes but Ryan doesn't improve. 

Finally, Luke hears Ryan breathing shallowly and not puking. 

"Hey. You okay?"

"Okay? No, I don't think I've ever been okay." Ryan replies weakly. The door swings open and Ryan steps out, swaying.

"What's going on?" Luke asks.

Ryan goes to the sink washing his face. He looks at himself in the mirror, pale skin and dazed blue eyes. He's shaking. He leans heavily against the sink.

"Ryan, dude, what's up?" Luke asks again, worried.

"I have to get out of here." Ryan mutters suddenly, starting for the door. Luke stops him. 

"No. Not until you tell me something that makes sense," Luke replies.

"I have to get out of here, Luke.don't make me go through you."

"What about Marissa? What about Seth? What am I supposed to tell them?" Luke asks, still blocking the way. 

"Tell them that they're better off." Ryan mutters, his voice weakening. "Tell them that they can be safe now that I'm not around to fuck them up." His eyes roll back suddenly as his body goes limp.

Luke catches him by the shoulders and lowers him to the floor. 

***** 

Ryan's history teacher came to Seth's class to get him. It was common knowledge that the two boys were rarely separated outside of class and that they are dependant on each other. Seth follows the teacher from the classroom, confused.

"Ryan collapsed in the bathroom." The older man explains.

"Where is he? Take me to him," Seth demands, panicked instantly. Seth bursts into the nursing office. Luke is standing beside Ryan's bed. Ryan's eyes are closed and he is completely still.

"What happened?" Seth asks Luke. A few months earlier, Seth would have assumed that a fight was involved but today he knows that because of Ryan's sage-like patience, the two boys are friends. 

"He got sick, he came to class, gave me his notes and then he said that he was going to be sick," Luke explains. "I waited for him outside the bathroom and when he came out, he was acting all crazy. He said he had to get out of here."

Seth's brown eyes are dark with thought. "What was he looking at before he got sick? Where's his stuff?" 

Luke points to his backpack as the nurse starts to wave smelling salts under Ryan's nose.

Seth searches Ryan's bag until he finds the piece of yellow paper that doesn't match anything else. He starts to read. He pales.

Ryan coughs, sitting up and gasping for air. His blue eyes are panicked and confused and Luke helps the nurse hold him down as he struggles.

"Chino. Chill. You're in the nurse's office," Luke says. Ryan relaxes, his eyes becoming lucid. 

"Why?" Ryan asks.

"You fell out," Luke responds. He glances at Seth, concerned but Seth has turned away. "Are you okay, now?"

"Yeah. I think so. Thanks. I'm cool," Ryan says, sitting up.

"Luke says you got sick in the bathroom." The nurse asks.

"I got a little nauseous," Ryan tells the nurse. 

"We're calling your parents." The nurse says.

"No, I'm fine. I'm okay now," Ryan interrupts.

"Ryan." Seth's voice stops him from protesting. Ryan glances at him and sees the yellow sheet of paper in his hand. 

"You going through my stuff now?" Ryan asks after a pause. 

"Nurse Jenkins, would it be okay if I just took him home?" Seth asks the nurse.

"I still need to call his parents. Are you family?" The nurse asks Seth.

"They're brothers," Luke answers before they can respond. 

"Let me get your file, Ryan. I'll be right back," The nurse says gently. 

"What's going on?" Luke asks.

"I'm sorry," Seth says to Ryan.

"It's not your fault. It's mine," Ryan whispers.

Seth hands the letter to Luke and goes to Ryan's side. Luke skims it. "Your brother. He's dead?"

"It appears so," Ryan replies. 

"It's not your fault," Seth says quietly.

"Why would it be your fault?" Luke asks.

"Because I didn't help him. He asked me for help and I turned him away.and they killed him," Ryan whispers. Seth silences Luke's questions with a warning glance. The nurse returns. 

"I spoke with.Mrs. Cohen and she says that it's okay if you bring Ryan home. She'll take him to the doctor's from there," She explains.

"Doctor? I don't need a doctor," Ryan replies, tiredly.

"That's up to your guardian, Ryan. You boys go straight home." 

Ryan stands up and offers a hand for Luke to shake. "Thanks, man. I flipped out a little."

"Are you going to be okay, dude?" Luke asks.

"Yeah. I'm cool," Ryan replies. All signs of his early 'flip out' are gone. His face is blank and his eyes are unreadable.

Ryan waits for Seth to get his things from class in the parking lot. Seth hasn't given him the keys so he sits down beside the Range Rover to wait. He wishes he had a cigarette. 


	3. Three

AN: I've been trying to figure out why my ellipses ( . . . ) are coming out as single periods but no matter what I do, they come out singular despite many (aggravating) format configurations. So, I'm sorry that it looks like I'm anti-punctuation in some of the dialogue. If you see a lowercase word after a period, please infer that I'm using ellipses and if anyone can tell me how to get around this, please email me and I'll fix it. 

Seth is worried when he parked the Rover in the driveway. Ryan refuses to talk to him on the ride home and when Seth asks him if he is going to tell his parents about Trey, he doesn't respond. 

Kirsten is waiting for them when they get home. Seth walks into the kitchen first and Ryan follows him with his eyes lowered. 

"Are you okay? The nurse said you passed out." Kirsten embraces Ryan.

"I'm okay," Ryan mutters.

"Are you sick?" Kirsten asks, releasing him. 

"No. I mean, I was, but I'm okay now."

"You threw up?" Kirsten probes, giving Seth a concerned glance that was returned by one of his own.

"I'm fine. I just want to lie down," Ryan admits.She puts a hand against his forehead but he isn't feverish. 

"What's wrong?" Kirsten asks quietly.

"Nothing," Ryan answers immediately.

"They're going to find out whether you tell them or not," Seth says quietly. Ryan acknowledges him with a glance.

"What? Ryan, what happened?" Kirsten asks, more concerned.

"My brother's dead. He was killed in prison. My mom wrote me a letter. Seth has it," Ryan states slowly. "Can I please be excused?"

Kirsten is shaken by his calm words. "Ryan."

"I really think I should lie down," Ryan interrupts.

"Go ahead. I'll come out to check on you," Kirsten says after a pause. 

Ryan pulls his backpack behind him absently as he leaves the kitchen and goes to the poolhouse.

He sits down beside his bed and takes a deep breath. Trey's dead. 

***** 

Sandy gets a worried call from Kirsten and comes home immediately. He finds Kirsten and Seth in the kitchen, looking more worried.

"What's going on? You said it has something to do with Ryan?"

"Trey died. And Ryan's mother.she didn't even call, she wrote him a letter. He's been dead at least a week and she didn't even call," Kirsten says immediately. 

"Oh god, how's Ryan?"

"He got sick at school. He rushed out of class with Luke and got sick and then tried to take off. Luke stopped him and said he just passed out. He's in the poolhouse. He's just sitting there, you can see him through the window. He locked the door and we can't get in. He's just sitting there, Dad," Seth motions out the back door. 

"Where's the letter?"

"Mom threw it away," Seth says.

"No one should read that. She's not a mother.she's evil." Kirsten replies. "She blamed the whole thing on Ryan."

"Ryan says it's his fault. Remember when his brother called and Ryan got all freaked out? The only thing I could get out of him that night was that Trey needed his help and it was illegal. So Ryan said no.but he felt really bad about it," Seth says slowly.

"Trey was in jail, what could Ryan possibly do for him?" Kirsten asks.

"I wonder if this has anything to do with that black eye Ryan got at Thanksgiving.I never believed that whole story he told us." Sandy thinks aloud. 

"At least he told you something," Seth mutters. "He wouldn't tell me anything."

"Let me go talk to him," Sandy sighs. "He can't stay in there forever," He adds. 

"Do you have a key?" Seth asks.

"Of course I do," Sandy replies. He leaves his wife and son in the kitchen and steels himself for the conversation with Ryan. He's used to having to pull information out of the quiet teenager but he's aware that Ryan will probably not talk to him. He knocks on the door. Ryan doesn't acknowledge him. His blue eyes are unfocused as he stares at the floor. Sandy unlocks the door and steps inside. 

"Ryan."

The boy doesn't respond. Sandy kneels beside him in the floor. "Ryan. Please."

"I'm okay, Sandy. I promise," Ryan says quietly. He doesn't look up.

"I don't believe you, kid. Talk to me," Sandy urges. 

"What am I supposed to say?" Ryan asks. "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to tell me that you understand that there was nothing you could do for your brother," Sandy says slowly.

Ryan's face flashes with emotion but immediately returns to stone. 

"Ryan. There was nothing you could do," Sandy says again.

"Nothing I could do." Ryan mutters. He stands up, suddenly as if he realizes that Sandy is in his space. He starts to pace. Sandy doesn't speak, he waits for Ryan to say something.

"Things are so fucked up, Sandy," Ryan says finally. 

"Ryan," Sandy sighs. 

"No, just listen." Ryan is clearly upset but his face is blank. Sandy can read his eyes. "In Chino.fucking everyone is on probation.everybody's got a record.Crime, it's not crime to us, you know? It's.it's just day to day shit.He asked me for help and I said I couldn't, I said I didn't want to get into trouble.but it's like.its like if you had asked me to take out the trash and I said no, I should have done it.there's no excuse."

"Ryan, you know that's not true." Sandy interrupts.

"I should have done it, Sandy. He told me they were going to kill him.he fucking told me but." Ryan continues. 

"Ryan. This is not your fault. You are sixteen years old, you are not responsible for your brother's.trouble. Okay?" Sandy says seriously.

Ryan sighs. He sits down on the edge of his bed. His hands are clenched with tension. He sighs again. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"Not as a lawyer.not as a parent.can I just tell you something and you won't freak out on me?" Ryan asks slowly.

Sandy hesitates. 

"Never mind." Ryan says immediately.

"No, Ryan, I want you to talk to me but I can't promise that I won't freak out. But I'm listening," Sandy says. 

"No, it's okay."

"Tell me, Ryan," Sandy urges.

"Trey called me at Thanksgiving.I thought he really wanted to see me." His eyes flash with regret for a moment. "I figured he probably just needed something, but I really wanted to believe that he just wanted to hang out.I should have known better."

"What happened?" Sandy asks quietly. 

"He told me how he owed these guys six grand.he was pretty roughed up.the guy he owed it to was getting to him inside.he needed my help." Ryan says slowly. 

"What kind of help? Did you give him money?" Sandy replies.

Ryan shakes his head. "I.I picked up a car from an old friend of Trey's and took it to a guy."

Sandy doesn't respond immediately. "To a guy. Whose car, Ryan?"

"It was Trey's car. He stole it and was keeping it at a friend's house," Ryan whispers. 

Sandy opens his mouth to scold Ryan but stops himself. 

"I know it was stupid, I know it jeopardized everything that I have here.but I didn't know what else to do.they were going to kill him and I.he's my brother.he was my brother." Ryan says. 

"How'd you get the black eye that day, Ryan?" Sandy asks carefully. He realizes how huge this confession must be to Ryan and he doesn't want to close the tentative lines of communication that Ryan is attempting.

"Gattas.the guy I took the car to.he wanted to collect on the interest. So he took a swing and called a bunch of his guys over but Marissa.she didn't listen to me when I sent her home, she pulled up and got me out of there." Ryan continues. His voice is barely a whisper. 

"I wish you had told me, Ryan.I wish you had asked me for help."

"How could you have helped, Sandy?" Ryan asks after a long pause. "This isn't your world.you can't understand." He lowers his voice. "I killed Trey.I let him die."

"Ryan, this is not your fault!" Sandy says again. 

"If I had just done what he needed.if I had just." Ryan starts. 

"Ryan. You're upset. You just lost your brother. You're not thinking clearly." 

"I am thinking clearly, Sandy," Ryan says clearly. He meets Sandy's gaze. "For the first time in a long time, I'm thinking clearly." Before Sandy can respond, Ryan rushes from the room. Sandy can hear him being sick. 

***** 


	4. Four

Sandy leaves the poolhouse when he hears the shower turn on in the bathroom. Seth and Kirsten are still in the kitchen.

"How is he?"

"He's upset. Seth, he didn't tell you anything about Thanksgiving?" Sandy asks his son.

"No, Dad. He just said that his brother said goodbye. Did he tell you something?" Seth asks immediately.

"This isn't the first time that Trey's needed Ryan to do him a favor. On Thanksgiving, Trey had Ryan.pay an outstanding debt for him. That's how he got the black eye. He told me about it. . . " Sandy admits.

"What kind of debt, Sandy? Ryan doesn't have any money," Kirsten replies.

"I'll explain things later, Kirsten. He's got a lot on his mind right now," Sandy replies.

"Something illegal?" Seth asks. Sandy doesn't answer and Seth lets the subject drop.

"I think we should just give him some space. He's too upset right now to look at things clearly," Sandy sighs. The phone rings and Kirsten answers it. She holds the phone down and turns to Sandy and Seth.

"It's Marissa," Kirsten says. 

"I'll talk to her," Seth says after a long pause. He takes the phone from his mom and steps into the den.

"Hey, Marissa."

"Seth? What's going on? Luke says that you took Ryan home, that he's upset. . . " Marissa starts immediately.

"Yeah, he got a little sick. His brother died," Seth says quietly.

Marissa pauses. "Trey? Oh god. . . is he okay?"

"He's not really talking. He's upset. Trey called a couple of weeks ago and asked Ryan for a favor. . ."

"He asked Ryan for a favor? How could he do that after Thanksgiving?" Marissa interrupts.

"I wouldn't know. Ryan never told me what happened in Chino," Seth replies.

"God, Seth, it was so scary. . . I thought those guys were going to kill Ryan." Marissa says.

"Well, whoever you're talking about sure did a number on Trey. Ryan's really taking it hard," Seth admits.

"I'll come over right after school," Marissa says.

"Thanks, Marissa. Maybe you can get through to him," Seth replies. 

***** 

Seth knocks quietly on the poolhouse door that afternoon. The door is unlocked so he steps inside.

"Hey," Seth says to Ryan. Ryan is sitting on his bed with his history book opened in front of him.

"Hey."

"What's going on?" Seth asks quietly.

"Not much. Studying," Ryan replies. 

"You feel like talking?" Seth asks after a beat.

"No. But feel free. You're welcome to talk," Ryan shrugs.

Seth hesitates. Ryan doesn't look up from his book. "I'll leave you alone." Seth makes it to the poolhouse door.

"Wait. You don't have to go. . . " Ryan says quietly. He pushes the book off the bed with a thump. 

"I'm sorry about your brother, Ryan," Seth says, sitting down on the couch.

"Don't be. It's not that big of a loss," Ryan mutters. 

"Ryan, he's dead. . . it's a loss to you. . . " Seth says quietly.

"You're more of a brother to me than he ever was," Ryan replies.

Seth is unsure of how to respond.

"My head's all messed up, Seth. I don't know which end is up anymore."

"That's understandable. . . Ryan. . . Dad said that on Thanksgiving.your brother, he wanted something from you, just like you thought, right?" Seth asks carefully.

"I didn't tell you, Seth, because. . . " Ryan sighs. "Because I didn't want you to know. . . the only reason Marissa knew was because I couldn't get her to leave. . . "

"Tell me what, Ryan? That your brother wanted you to do something illegal?"

"He owed this guy six grand when he got sent to jail. I had to pick up a hot car and take it to a chop shop for him so he would stop getting beat up in prison," Ryan says quickly. 

"God, Ryan. . . "

"I didn't know that's what he wanted from his call. Last time. . . he told me straight up that he needed something. . . and I said no," Ryan says quietly.

"Which was the right answer, dude. You did the right thing," Seth says. 

"I let him die, Seth," Ryan replies.

"You didn't let him die, Ryan. You did everything you could. . . you're not responsible for your brother, he's a grown up. . . " Seth starts. 

Ryan doesn't respond. 

"Can I ask you something else?"

Ryan looks up at him and shrugs. "You can ask."

"When your brother called you a few weeks ago. . .you got really upset but there was one thing you said that I want to ask you about. . . " Seth pauses and meets Ryan's gaze. "You said that you owed him something. . . "

"Seth. . ." Ryan starts.

"Then you said something about him killing you. . ." Seth continues. Ryan is silent. "Ryan, what did he do to you? What were you talking about?"

"It was a long time ago, Seth. . . "

"Ryan, you never talk about your past, man. You act like it doesn't matter, but it does! It makes you do the things that you do, it makes you the way you are. . . and. . . " Seth pauses. "It won't change the way I think about you."

Ryan met his gaze steadily. "Yes, it will."

"Dude, we've come too far for anything you tell me to affect us. You're my best friend. . . you're my brother, dude. . . I want to know about your past, man, especially if. . . if it's something as serious as. . . as you dying. . . " Seth explains. 

Ryan closes his eyes and sighs. 

"I'm sorry, dude," Seth says after a long silence. 

"You know my dad's in jail, right?" Ryan says immediately.

"Yeah. Armed robbery, right?" Seth asks quietly.

"Yeah," Ryan replies. "But that wasn't always his. . . his crime of choice. He sold drugs. Weed, pills, junk, crack, whatever he could sell and he could sell it all. See, what happened is. . . he got all these drugs fronted to him. He'd been doing good business for a while so his supplier trusted him with a whole lot of product." He waits for Seth to nod before continuing. "This sounds so twisted when I say it out loud, dude."

"I'm listening."

"Anyway. Dad was so damned happy, he was so fucking nice for the first few days. . . he went out with Mom and got shit-faced to celebrate, and when he got back. . . someone had broke into the house and stole his stash. He was out five grand."

"Shit, Ryan. What happened?" Seth asks.

"I came home from school. . . shit, man, I was just a kid, you know? But he said it was my fault, he said I must have told someone about it. . . " Ryan sighs. "Anyway, he beat the hell out of me. I woke up in the hospital about a week later. Trey had found me and took me to the free clinic and they had sent me to the hospital. When I got out, I found out that Dad had been arrested for holding up a store," Ryan says. 

Seth nods. "That sucks, man. . . "

"But the point of all that is. . . yeah, Trey saved my ass. I would've died if he hadn't taken me somewhere. . . but it was his fault anyway," Ryan says.

"Ryan. . . wasn't it your Dad's fault?" Seth asks.

"That's not what I mean. Dad's stash? Trey's the one that took it. God, he never admitted to anyone but me, but he told one of his buddies about it and they ended up splitting it down the middle. If he hadn't done that. . . god, things would be totally different," Ryan replies.

"I had no idea, Ryan. . ." Seth starts. 

"Anyway. That's why he always said I owed him my life. He dropped me off at the free clinic after my dad beat me senseless with a chair leg. That's loyalty, he said. He was willing to face down Dad to get me to safety," Ryan mutters. 

"Dude, that just reinforces the fact that his death isn't your fault. You're away from all that now," Seth says carefully. "You had a chance to get out and you took it. You don't have to put yourself at risk. . . at risk for people that don't care about you anymore," He finishes. 

"Seth. . . It's not like that. . . Trey. . . he was my only brother. . . you and I. . . we barely know each other, man. You don't know any of the things I've been through, the things I've done in the past. . . you just know me from the past few months. . ." Ryan starts.

"I get that, Ryan. . ."

"I don't think you do," Ryan stops him. He stands up, frustrated. "I mean, I appreciate everything that you're saying and I get it, but. . . it doesn't change anything. What it boils down to is that my brother asked me for help and I turned him away and now he's fucking dead. Nothing anyone can say is going to make that any less true," Ryan says. 

Seth has paled at Ryan's outburst. 

"I'm sorry. I've got to get out of here. . ." Ryan says suddenly. He leaves before Seth can get off the couch. 


	5. Five

It's late when Ryan returns. He walks into the kitchen and finds Kirsten on the phone. Her face dawns with relief when she recognizes him. 

"Thanks, Jimmy," Kirsten says and hangs up. "Ryan. Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry for running off. I took a walk," Ryan replies, sitting down at the counter.

Kirsten walks over to him and starts to embrace him. He flinches but she doesn't stop, she hugs him tightly. After a moment, he returns her hug. She releases him. "You've been smoking." She holds out her hand and he puts a half-empty pack of cigarettes in her hand.

"Ryan. Thank god," Sandy remarks as he walks in. "Are you okay?"

"I feel better. I needed some space. I'm okay."

"You just lost your brother," Kirsten says quietly.

Ryan hesitates. "I think I lost him a long time ago."

"Ryan. . ." Sandy begins.

"No, its okay. I mean, I'm upset, but I'll get over it," Ryan says slowly. 

"We're here if you need to talk or anything," Kirsten offers.

"I know. Really," Ryan nods after catching the concerned glance between her and Sandy. "I'm just not big on the talking like you guys."

"We've noticed. But you should talk about this, kid. It's not healthy to keep everything inside," Sandy says slowly. "And if your grief is making you physically sick.. . . "

"I'm okay now. I just feel like going to bed. I need to go to school tomorrow," Ryan replies.

"Marissa came by for you. She waited as long as she could but she went home a few hours ago," Kirsten says. 

"I'll call her. I forgot all about her coming by," Ryan admits. 

"Have you eaten anything today?" Kirsten asks.

"I'm not hungry. . ." Ryan starts.

"No arguing. You have to eat," Kirsten says. "I'll go get the delivery menus."

Ryan doesn't argue. His hands aren't shaking like before. He seems to be in complete control of his emotions again. Sandy waits until Kirsten has walked out of the room before approaching the boy.

"Where'd you go?" Sandy asks.

"I took a walk."

"Something's changed since you ran out on Seth this afternoon," Sandy replies. Ryan glances at him. 

"I gave my cigarettes to Kirsten," Ryan replies.

Sandy doesn't know why but he doesn't believe Ryan simply went for a walk. He senses something different in the way Ryan is carrying himself. Ryan's too calm and quiet. "Have you been drinking, Ryan?" 

Guilt flashes in Ryan's eyes for a second before he lowers his gaze.

"I know I don't need to explain to you that this isn't a healthy way to deal with this. . ." Sandy starts slowly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do," Ryan whispers. "I thought I was going to explode. . .I didn't drive, Sandy. . .I just walked around, I swear. . ."

"Where's the alcohol, Ryan? I can't let you have it around," Sandy asks quietly.

"I finished the bottle. I put it in a dumpster down by the pier," Ryan replies. 

"Do you need a lecture, Ryan? 'Cause I can do that," Sandy says.

"I know."

Sandy examines Ryan carefully. "You drank a bottle of what, Ryan?"

"Vodka," He whispers. He won't meet Sandy's piercing gaze. 

"And you're not even slurring your words," Sandy says.

"I don't drink. I don't know why I even did tonight. . .I hate it. . .but I figured it would be the only way I could pay my respects to Trey. He taught me how to drink so I figured. . .I should drink to him," Ryan says.

"Ryan, I don't even know how to start on this. . ."

"Can we do this tomorrow? I need to get up early for school. . ." Ryan sighs.

"Not until you eat. Chinese, Japanese, Pizza, what are you up for?" Kirsten asks as she returns. 

"Whatever you want," Ryan mutters.

"Kirsten. I think he'll be okay. He can have a big breakfast," Sandy says quietly.

"Sandy. . ." Kirsten protests.

"Go ahead, Ryan. But don't be late for school tomorrow. We'll force feed you if we have to in the morning," Sandy says.

Ryan nods. "Thanks. I promise I'll eat whatever you want tomorrow."

***** 

Ryan falls asleep as soon as he lies down on his bed. When he wakes up to the sound of his blaring alarm, he's late. It's nine o' clock and a letter written in Marissa's handwriting is lying on the pillow beside his head. He skims it quickly and regrets not calling her the night before. She hopes that he is okay and that he knows that she's there for him. 

He rubs his temples. He has a headache from the vodka. His throat hurts from chain smoking after months of no smoking. And his brother is still dead.

He wants to believe Sandy and Seth. He wants to believe that Trey's death isn't his fault but he can't. Trey was an Atwood and Ryan knows how hard it was for him to ask for help. Along with the notorious Atwood luck comes the notorious Atwood pride. Trey had asked for his help in the past, but never because his life was at stake. He trusted Ryan to help him and Ryan had failed him. 

Ryan shakes off his thoughts. He lives with the Cohens now. Seth is his brother. Sandy and Kirsten treat him like their own child. He lives in a place where he has everything he could ever want. Why should he risk that to help Trey? What Trey wanted him to do could have gotten him killed. It could've gotten him arrested and it would have devastated the Cohens. He had to say no. He couldn't know that Trey would really get killed. He didn't know. . .

"Ryan? You up?" Kirsten interrupts his swirling thoughts as she steps into the pool house. She carries a tray of food.

"I overslept," Ryan says, sitting up. 

"Sandy said that you were drinking last night. I brought you some coffee and some bagels," Kirsten says as she sits down on the bed beside him.

"And my lecture?" Ryan smiles slightly.

"Sandy's bringing that in a few minutes. How do you feel?"

"I'm okay."

"Well, if you're okay then I'd hate to see you when you're not okay," She replies immediately.

"I messed up last night. I shouldn't have been drinking. I'm sorry. I just. . .I didn't know what else to do," Ryan admits.

"It's not okay, Ryan. You shouldn't feel like you have to drink to get rid of your problems," Kirsten replies.

"I know. . .I'm just in a really weird place right now. . .I can't get my head straight. . ." Ryan says. "I needed something to steady me. . ."

"And drinking makes you steady?"

"I'm sorry, Kirsten. . ." Ryan sighs.

"I'm just here to make you eat. Sandy's got the lecture. I'm just getting you warmed up," Kirsten smiles gently. She puts the food on the nightstand beside his bed. 

Ryan takes a swallow of coffee and doesn't wince as it burns his mouth. "Thanks, Kirsten."

"I expect that plate to be empty before Sandy gets here," Kirsten says, standing up. 

"I'll do my best," Ryan replies. "You guys aren't making me go to school?"

"Not today. You should rest," Kirsten says.

"I'm okay now, Kirsten. I had a little. . .crisis. . . but I'm over it now," Ryan admits.

"I'm sorry that I don't believe you," Kirsten replies sadly. "I don't think you're dealing with this at all, Ryan. But I'll leave you alone so you can eat."

"Okay. Thanks," Ryan says. 

***** 


	6. Six

***** 

Ryan forces himself to eat the bagels Kirsten left for him but his nausea has returned. He feels like he needs to purge his system but he realizes that he can't keep throwing up. He's not sick but he can't convince his body of that fact. He leans back, stretching across the bed as he tries to control his nausea. He hopes it's the hangover but he knows better.

"How you feeling?"

"Sick," Ryan replies honestly.

"How big was that bottle of vodka you drank?" Sandy asks.

"A fifth," Ryan answers.

"You drank a fifth of vodka? Ryan, my god…" Sandy gasps.

"It was stupid. It was irresponsible and inconsiderate and I'll take whatever punishment you want to give me," Ryan says immediately. 

"Ryan, I'm worried about you. You. . .It seems like you have a family history of alcohol problems. . ."

"True, I know that, that's why I usually stay the hell away. . ." Ryan starts.

"Good, but you're going through a rough time and instead of trying to talk it over with us, you went out and started drinking. Do you understand why I'm worried?" Sandy asks.

Ryan hesitates. "Yes. I get it. I'm sorry."

"If you can't bring yourself to talk to us. . .we want you to talk to someone else."

"You're going to send me to a psychiatrist?" Ryan asks slowly. "You think I'm crazy?"

"No, Ryan, not at all. I think that we should have encouraged you to talk to someone when you first agreed to stay with us. The transition. . .It's been harder on you than I expected. . ." Sandy admits.

"Sandy, I'm fine, look. . .I'll do whatever you say. . .you want me to talk? Ask me something. . . you want me to do something, just tell me to do it. . . but don't make me talk to a stranger. . .please. . ." Ryan whispers desperately. He doesn't want to talk to a shrink.

"Then you have to trust us. I don't know what you said to Seth last night, but he was really upset when you ran off. . .he said that you had talked to him and I think that's good. . .but Seth isn't a trained professional, Ryan. He can listen, if he stops babbling long enough, but he can't really help you. . ."

"I don't need help," Ryan replies. 

"Ryan."

"My brother is dead," He states suddenly. He keeps his eyes lowered. "I'm sorry that I can't just shake this off and move on, I'm sorry I have this baggage interfering in your nice lives but it might take me longer than a couple of days to deal with this." He meets Sandy's gaze finally. "I won't upset Seth anymore. . .I won't drink anymore. . ."

"Ryan, stop for a second and listen to me," Sandy says gently.

"Okay," Ryan says. Sandy doesn't speak until Ryan looks up at him. 

"I want you to stop thinking for a minute and relax. I don't want you to push yourself to get over this because you're worrying about your place in this family. Your baggage, as you call it, is not affecting our lives except that we're worried sick about you. You won't talk to us and we don't know what you're going through," Sandy explains quietly. "The next time you feel like you need to drink, I want you to consider coming and talking to me. If you feel like. . ."

"Like I'm going to explode?" Ryan interrupts. "'Cause I feel like everything is hitting me all at once. . .Trey's gone, you're pissed, Seth's upset. . ."

"Ryan, I don't want you to feel like that. I'm not pissed at you, I'm worried. . ."

"Don't be worried, I can handle this. . ." Ryan replies. 

"You can't, kid. You're not handling it," Sandy replies. 

Ryan sighs. "What do you want me to say, Sandy? 'Cause I'm not used to this and I really don't know what I can say to make you happy."

"It doesn't matter if it makes me happy, Ryan, as long as you talk to me. . ." Sandy says, frustration on his face. 

Ryan's body revolts suddenly and he has to throw up. He makes it to the bathroom and closes the door behind him before emptying his stomach into the toilet. 

"Ryan?" Sandy calls from outside the bathroom door.

Ryan stands up slowly and turns to look at himself in the mirror. He's shaking again and his skin is pale. Sandy opens the door slowly, concerned and steps inside.

"Hangover?" Sandy asks, sympathetically. He puts his hand on 

"No. I have trouble eating when I have stuff on my mind," Ryan says slowly. 

"So this isn't a new thing?" Sandy asks quietly.

"Nah. It always happens to me. I lose my appetite. I usually just don't eat until I get over it. . ." Ryan admits.

"You still think you're okay?" Sandy asks.

"I'll get over it, Sandy," Ryan whispers. "Can I just have a little more time?"

Sandy nods, realizing that he's done all he can for the moment. He's given Ryan several things to think about and he hopes that Ryan will get better. 

"Kirsten's working from home today. She'll be out to check on you later. I hope you'll let her know if you decide to go anywhere."

"I won't run off, Sandy."

"I'll be home around lunch to check on things. Get some rest," Sandy urges.

"I'll try."

***** 


	7. Seven

AN: Thanks for all the reviews, guys. I hope this part is up to par.

***** 

"So how is he?" Kirsten asks as Sandy steps into the kitchen. 

"Sick. He had eaten what you took for him but he got sick. He says that when he gets upset that he can't eat," Sandy explains.

"He told you that?" Kirsten responds.

"He's trying, I think, Kirsten. He said he doesn't know what we expect from him. . .I don't know what his family did to him, but they really did a number on him," Sandy sighs.

"You better get to work. I'll keep an eye on him," Kirsten says, embracing him. Sandy leaves for work and Kirsten walks to the window. She doesn't see Ryan through the windows of the pool house so she walks outside. She knocks quietly on the poolhouse door.

"Yeah?" Ryan answers and she steps inside. 

"Hey, kid. Sandy says you threw up your breakfast. Do you feel like some soup or something light?"

"I'm okay. Can I wait a couple of hours?" Ryan asks. He is making his bed as he talks.

"Of course. I'm inside if you need me," Kirsten smiles. 

"Thanks," Ryan responds quietly.

Kirsten leaves the poolhouse and returns to the kitchen. She is sitting at the kitchen table working on a blueprint when she hears the doorbell. 

She opens the door to reveal a beautiful brunette teenager. "Can I help you?"

"I hope so. Does Ryan Atwood live here?" 

"Yes. Are you a friend of Ryan's?" Kirsten asks, surprised. 

"An old friend. I'm Theresa. I heard about Trey and nobody seems to have Ryan's phone number but his mom gave me this address. Is he home?" 

"Sure. I'm Kirsten. You talked to his mom?" Kirsten asks as she lets the girl inside.

"Briefly. Just long enough to get the address. She's…she's not that fun to talk to," Theresa replies. She glances around the house. "Nice place."

"Thanks. Ryan stays out here, I'll show you," Kirsten says, leading her through the kitchen onto the patio. "How'd you get here?"

"I took the bus. Ryan and I…we used to be close but…shit happens. After what happened at Thanksgiving…I just need to make sure he's okay," Theresa says quietly.

"You saw Ryan at Thanksgiving?"

"He stopped by. To pick something up for Trey. I hadn't seen Ryan since he got arrested before that. He called me back then and asked if he could crash at my place, but…I was still pretty upset with him and then he disappeared," Theresa explains. She is clearly nervous when Kirsten stops outside the poolhouse. 

Kirsten knocks on the door. 

"Yeah?" Ryan calls.

Kirsten steps inside. "A friend's here to see you, Ryan."

"What?" Ryan asks, looking up from his seat in the floor in front of the couch. 

"Hey, man," Theresa smiles, stepping in behind Kirsten.

"Theresa. Hey…" Ryan stands up, clearly startled to see her. 

Theresa goes to him and immediately embraces him. Kirsten is surprised to see him return her hug. "You okay, kid?"

"It's good to see you, Theresa," Ryan replies.

"That's not what I asked," Theresa replies quietly.

"I'll be inside, Ryan, if you need anything. Theresa, let me know when you're ready to go home and either Ryan or I will be happy to drive you back," Kirsten offers on her way out. 

***** 

Ryan waits for Theresa to release him and sit down on the couch before speaking. "So what's up?"

She shoves him, gently. "You know what's up. Trey called Arturo after you wouldn't help him," Theresa starts. "I didn't know what was going on, I just heard Arturo going off on Trey for calling you. You aren't blaming yourself for this, are you?"

"It's my fault."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Trey's a fuck up, he always has been and you've spent your whole life trying to clean up his messes and your mom's messes, Ry…"

"Please, Theresa…"

"No, listen, Ryan, I know you. I know how loyal you are, how much you risked to help out your family in the past and I know how down you get on yourself when you fail at something…"

"He asked me for help. He said they were going to kill him. And I said no, Theresa…"

"God, Ryan, how many times has he told you that? I can think of, at least, three times and you had his back every time. It's not your fault that Trey can't take care of himself…you're only sixteen and you've been doing his dirty work ever since I've known you!" Theresa says.

"I was his brother…" Ryan protests.

"So that makes you his bitch? You know better, Ryan. Your mom, Trey, they've walked all over you your whole life, but…have you looked around you lately? You got out. You don't have to be their bitch anymore," Theresa says. 

Ryan doesn't respond. 

"Ry?"

"What are you doing here, Theresa?" Ryan asks quietly.

"I came to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay," Ryan responds. 

"You're going to make me call bullshit on you again?" Theresa asks.

"I didn't ask you to come here," Ryan replies.

"I know. You never ask for anything," Theresa replies. "I…I was worried about you. I mean, these people…they don't know anything about Trey…"

"And you do?" Ryan asks.

"I know you," Theresa replies.

"You do?" Ryan smiles sadly. 

"I know that you're probably so upset that you stopped eating. I know that nothing I say is going to make you stop blaming yourself. I know that this is killing you…"

Ryan has tears in his eyes when Theresa looks at him. She embraces him immediately as he starts to cry. 

***** 


	8. Eight

Ryan stops crying after several minutes. They talk quietly for a few hours about mutual friends in Chino. Ryan gets up later to go wash his face. When he returns, Theresa is walking around the poolhouse looking at his things. 

"Ma took all my things when she ditched me. The Cohens gave me all this," Ryan explains. He sits down on his bed and she sits down beside him and drapes an arm around him.

"You look good, Ryan. You really do. The Cohens really seem to care about you," She says.

"They do, I think. I don't know why…" Ryan starts but she kisses him. He pulls away. "Theresa…"

"I know you're with Marissa. She's cool. But you look like you need some comfort. Remember when you'd crawl through my window?"

"Yeah, Theresa, but…" Ryan begins.

"But nothing. Let me be there for you, Ryan. Let me comfort you again." 

He accepts her kiss. She tastes familiar. Like home. She knows him. 

***** 

"Where's Ryan?" Sandy asks when he steps into the quiet house at lunch. 

"He's in the poolhouse with Theresa," Kirsten replies, glancing up from her paperwork as he comes over to kiss her hello.

"Theresa. Do we know her?" Sandy asks, confused. 

"She's an old friend of his, apparently. She knew about Trey and took a bus here to check on him. She seemed genuinely worried about him. She called his mom for the address," Kirsten explains.

"How'd he react?" Sandy asks.

"She gave him a hug and he hugged her back. They've been in there for a few hours," Kirsten replies. "I thought it'd be better if I gave them some time alone."

"Well, I better go check on them," Sandy says. "See if they're hungry."

"I'll join you," Kirsten offers. They walk to the poolhouse. Sandy stops her outside the poolhouse. "What?" She asks.

"Is that what you call hugging her back?" Sandy asks slowly. Kirsten glances through the window. Theresa is lying on top of Ryan, her long black hair covering Ryan's face. Ryan's hands are on the back of her head, holding her lips against his. His shirt is lying on the floor beside them in a heap.

"Oh god…I didn't think…" Kirsten gasps, surprised. Sandy knocks loudly on the poolhouse door as Kirsten turns and puts her back to the door.

"Shit…" Ryan murmurs from inside, flushed. When Sandy and Kirsten step in a moment later, Theresa is red with embarrassment and is sitting beside Ryan. Her legs are still lying across Ryan but they are as separate as they could get at such short notice. Ryan is pulling on his shirt.

"Feeling better?" Sandy asks.

"Yeah. Sandy, this is Theresa. We grew up together," Ryan introduces. 

She shakes Sandy's hand when he offers it to her. "Nice to meet you. You have a beautiful home," Theresa says politely.

"Are you guys hungry?" Kirsten asks, recovered now. 

Theresa looks at Ryan for a long beat. "Is he eating?" She asks Kirsten.

"Guys…" Ryan starts.

"Shut up. You don't eat when you're upset, I thought we'd been through this," Theresa says, pulling him to his feet. "He'll eat. I'll make him."

"I like her," Sandy tells Kirsten as Theresa pulls Ryan out of the poolhouse.

"What about Marissa? Don't you think he's got a lot on his mind?" Kirsten whispers in response.

"I think he's got way too much on his mind, but she seems to have gotten through to him where we couldn't in a matter of hours…if she can get him to eat then I don't care what they're doing…" Sandy shrugs.

"Sandy…"

"I'll talk to him, Kirsten," Sandy promises.

Ryan steps out of the kitchen before they can walk inside the main house. "Guys…Theresa and I are just friends…"

"Luke's your friend, too, but I've never seen you kiss him like that," Kirsten remarks.

Ryan flushes. "It wasn't what it looked like, I swear…"

"Where is Theresa?" Sandy asks.

"She's in the bathroom, I just thought I owed you an explanation," Ryan says.

"You owe Marissa an explanation, but not us," Kirsten responds. 

"I'm sorry…" Ryan mutters.

"You'll work it out. Let's get some food in you," Sandy says, patting Ryan on the back, reassuringly. 

Ryan follows them inside. Theresa returns and puts her hand on Ryan's arm as he sits down at the counter.

"Will you try and eat something, Ry?" Theresa asks.

"Yeah. I'll try," Ryan responds quietly.

"What would you like, Theresa?" Kirsten asks.

"You don't have to feed me, I'm fine…" Theresa responds.

"If I eat, you eat. You've lost weight since I left," Ryan says to Theresa.

Theresa hesitates but Kirsten motions her to the refrigerator. Theresa goes to stand beside her. 

"Rosa made some soup for you, Ryan, in case you think it'll help you keep it down easier," Kirsten says. "And you're welcome to soup, Theresa, or you can have anything that you see here," She adds.

Sandy is looking at Ryan. Ryan glances up and catches his gaze. 

"You okay?" Sandy asks him.

"Yeah. I think so," Ryan replies quietly.

"Okay," Sandy replies. 

Theresa takes the bowl of soup and gets two bowls from the dishwasher. "Come on, Ry. I'll spoon feed him if I have to," She says to Kirsten.

"Good luck," Sandy says as they return to the poolhouse.

"I didn't know that they were…" Kirsten says to Sandy.

"Well, from what I've heard from Seth, he used to be quite the ladies man," Sandy replies. "He'll be okay. I think its good that she came."

"He does seem better, Sandy," Kirsten agrees. 


	9. Nine

***** 

Theresa sits with Ryan while he eats most of the soup. She waits until she is satisfied before eating her own soup. He leans back against the couch and closes his eyes.

"Nauseous already?" Theresa asks. He nods.

She turns his body to sit between her legs. She starts to massage his shoulders. He relaxes against her. He is comfortable in her arms and he feels like he can breathe for the first time in days. She kisses the back of his neck. She continues kissing him. He turns and returns her kisses for a few minutes. Finally, he pulls away, breathless.

"I can't do this…" Ryan says, pulling away and standing up.

"Why?"

"I'm with Marissa now…"

"Have you even slept with the princess yet?" Theresa laughs.

"Theresa…"

"Come on, Ry. We've always had significant others when we were together, damn, kid…" Theresa gets up and goes to his side, pulling his lips against hers. 

"No, Theresa…stop…"

"Ryan, don't be like this…I miss you…I need to make sure you're okay," She adds.

"Theresa, I don't need this right now…"

"I need to make sure you're okay before I leave, Ryan. We're moving," She whispers. "Away from Chino. To Vegas with my mom's brother…"

"Theresa…"

"So when I heard about Trey, I had to come and check on you…I had to say goodbye…" She whispers as she kisses him.

"Theresa, wait…"

"You didn't say goodbye to me when you left, Ry…you owe me this…say goodbye to me, Ryan…let's be together one more time," Theresa urges. 

"Wait…I can't…" Ryan pulls away, taking several steps away from her and holding his hands up. "I can't do that…"

"You were just kissing me, you know you want to…" Theresa urges.

"I think you should go…" Ryan whispers.

"What?"

"Damn, Theresa…you came here and told me that I shouldn't feel guilty for turning my brother away, that I had to walk away from that part of my life…but you want me to turn away from my life here and be with you and I…I just can't…" Ryan says as he takes several steps back.

"Ryan, baby, it's different…"

"I think you should go, Theresa," Ryan says slowly.

"Okay." She walks away from him.

"You know that there'll always be something between us, Theresa. We don't need the sex to prove it…" Ryan starts.

"Fuck you, Ryan. You have changed. You're not the same…you'll never be the same…" Theresa snaps, slamming the door as she walks out of the poolhouse. Ryan glances up and sees Sandy and Kirsten watching from the main house as she storms away. 

Ryan walks slowly to the bathroom and throws up all the soup he just ate. When he walks out, Sandy is standing in the poolhouse.

"Theresa left in a hurry," Sandy says quietly.

"Yeah. I don't really want to talk about it," Ryan replies.

"She didn't want a ride?"

"She'll make it okay," Ryan mutters. 

"Ryan…"

"I don't want to talk about it," He repeats.

"I have to ask, Ryan, because you…"

"Yes, I'm upset. I'm really pissed. She came all this way because she was worried about me. I asked her to leave. That's all you need to know, Sandy," Ryan says defensively.

"What did she want from you, Ryan?"

"What?" Ryan snaps, confused.

"You asked her to leave and from what I could tell, she really seemed to get through to you. What did she ask you for?" Sandy asks.

"Sandy, don't…" Ryan says, taking a couple of steps back from him. "I promise that you don't want to know."

"Ryan, talk to me. I really don't like having to pump you for information," Sandy says quietly.

"Then don't…" Ryan snaps.

"Talk to me…"

"She wanted a goodbye fuck, Sandy, okay? I turned her down and she got pissed off. Is that enough talking for you? Damn," Ryan snaps. He turns away from Sandy and his body is tense as if he's considering bolting. 

"Ryan, I'm sorry…" Sandy gasps.

"Don't. Can I go for a walk? I'm feeling a little suffocated right now…" Ryan admits. 

"I don't think…" Sandy starts.

"Whatever…" Ryan says before he can finish. He sits down where he is standing in the poolhouse on the floor. "Can you just leave me alone, then?"

"Okay, Ryan…" Sandy says. He opens his mouth to speak but Ryan is holding his face in his hands. Sandy leaves him alone. 

***** 


	10. Ten

***** 

"Hey, Mom. What's going on?" Seth asks as he walks in with Marissa. 

"Hey, not much."

"Ryan's not chilling with you in the big house?" Seth asks.

"Not so much. He said he wants to be alone," Kirsten replies.

"Everything okay?" Marissa asks. "I mean…can I go check on him?"

"Actually, I just came back from there and he said to tell you that he'll call you later…" Kirsten explains. 

Marissa flushes. "He doesn't want to talk to me?"

"Honey, he's having a really rough time and…" Kirsten starts.

"No, that's okay. I'll see you later, Seth. Tell Ryan I stopped by," Marissa leaves in a rush, not wanting Kirsten to see her tears. 

"She's worried about him. He hasn't called her since it happened. He hasn't talked to her at all," Seth tells Kirsten.

"One of Ryan's friends came by to see him today. At first, it seemed like she was good for him, but something happened and he asked her to leave. Sandy won't tell me what happened, but apparently she was an ex-girlfriend of Ryan's and they had an argument. He barely spoke to me when I just went down."

"Wait. A friend from Chino? Who was it?" Seth asks, surprised.

"Theresa," Kirsten replies. "A pretty girl. You'll have to ask Ryan about her," She adds.

"Can I try to talk to him?" Seth asks.

"Sure. He specifically asked not to see Marissa. I didn't mean to upset her, but I don't want to upset Ryan any further either. Take him some juice…" Kirsten suggests.

"He didn't eat today?" Seth asks quietly.

"He ate but he got sick. At least we think so. He's not talking to us," Kirsten says quietly.

"I'm on the way," Seth nods. He takes a bottle of juice and a bag of chips. He knocks on the door to the poolhouse but no one answers. 

"Seth. Stop knocking."

Seth follows Ryan's voice around the poolhouse to the edge of the yard. Ryan is smoking a cigarette on a patch of grass in the shadows of the poolhouse. "Hey."

"Hey."

"What are you doing?"

"You dad said I couldn't go for a walk and I felt like I was going to run around and smash all the windows out of the poolhouse," Ryan replies quietly. He inhales deeply off his cigarette.

"I thought Mom confiscated your smokes," Seth says.

"She did. Don't rat me out, Seth…"

"I won't. Marissa came by…" Seth starts and Ryan turns away from him, covering his face. "Hey, what's that mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it…" Ryan mutters.

"And who's this mysterious Theresa?" Seth continues.

"Just drop it, Seth."

"Ooh, Dad already pumped you for information, I see. Did he get any further?" Seth asks. He holds out the bottle of juice and Ryan accepts it.

"He got what he wanted," Ryan mutters.

"So you're not talking to me either?" Seth asks after a beat.

"Theresa heard about Trey. She came, at first, to see if I was okay. Or that's what I thought…" Ryan mumbles. 

"Yeah?"

"But…she also came to say goodbye. She's moving," Ryan adds.

"What's so wrong with that?"

"Let's just say I couldn't give her the goodbye that she wanted and drop it," Ryan says quietly.

"Ryan…" Seth hesitates, confused. 

"Just drop it, dude. This day sucks," Ryan sighs.

"Damn. Drink that juice, Ryan. Wash the cigarettes off your breath," Seth urges.

Ryan opens the juice and guzzles the bottle. He hands the empty bottle back to him.

"Thanks. So, I can see you're getting restless. You want me to work my magic on mom and get you released?" Seth asks.

"They're not going to let me go anywhere…" Ryan mutters. 

"Maybe not by yourself, but I'm your official after school chaperone. If you want out, I can get you out. Give me ten minutes," Seth promises. He disappears into the main house. 

***** 

Seth returns to the poolhouse with a big smile on his face. "Done. Get your jacket."

"Seth, where are we going?" Ryan asks as he grabs his jacket.

"I never thought I'd be saying this, but we're going to Luke's," Seth replies. "Mom was talking to him on the phone when I walked in so I took full advantage. No drinking. No smoking. No fun of any kind is allowed, but at least you get out of here," Seth shrugs.

"Thanks, man. I mean it. Thanks a lot," Ryan nods. 

"No problem. You owe me, though. Making me hang out with Luke," Seth jokes.

***** 

Luke is glad to see Ryan. Seth settles down in front of the playstation while Ryan stands outside and watches Luke cook burgers on the barbecue.

"So, man. How're you doing?" Luke asks.

"Eh. Not so hot," Ryan replies honestly.

"That letter from your mom was pretty harsh. Have you talked to her?" Luke asks quietly.

"Nah. I don't think we have anything to say to each other," Ryan shrugs.

Luke flips a burger. Ryan lights a cigarette and lies down in a pool chair.

"You going to punch me if I ask you anything else?" Luke smiles.

"Nah. I just might not answer. It's nothing personal…"

"Yeah, I know. You just don't talk much. I get it," Luke replies.

"Really? 'Cause everyone else I know just wants to pump me for information," Ryan remarks. 

"I think they're probably just worried about you, dude. You're not the easiest guy to read, you know?" Luke asks.

"Yeah, I know. But talking doesn't solve anything…"

"But at least it gives the Cohens some insight into what to do. You never say anything, dude. How are they supposed to know what you need if you don't tell them?" Luke asks.

"I get it, Luke," Ryan sighs. 

"So. What's this deal with your brother? You were pretty freaked out about him, and considering he's dead, I understand completely…but…I don't get why you think this is your fault," Luke says.

"You wouldn't understand," Ryan mutters.

"I guess not, if you don't explain it to me," Luke shrugs.

Ryan sighs. He knows that Luke is genuinely concerned about him. Everyone is. He just doesn't like having his emotions on public display. He's trained himself to appear emotionless. It always kept him out of trouble. Even when he couldn't control his voice and he talked back, he always made his face blank. He puts an arm across his face.

"Okay, then, at least I tried," Luke mutters.

"I'm thinking," Ryan sighs.

"Oh. How's that work for you?"

Ryan gives him the finger. 

"Figured," Luke jokes.

"My brother was in trouble. He owed some people money. He needed me to do something for him, something that would fuck up my probation if I got busted and I said no."

"Sounds like you made the right choice," Luke says quietly.

"Yeah, but they killed him. He told me that they were going to kill him and I still didn't help him," Ryan replies.

"Okay, man. That sucks. Why would he ask you to do something that dangerous?" Luke asks.

"Because. He didn't have anyone else to ask," Ryan replies.

"But, man, you're a kid. You're sixteen and you're dealing with grown-up problems. That's not cool. It's not your fault that your brother didn't have anyone else to ask, it was his problem, not yours. Damn, don't you have enough to deal with?" Luke questions.

"Yeah, but I'm his family…"

"If you had a problem and you had asked him for help…"

"He was in jail…"

"But if he wasn't? Would he have helped you?"

Ryan shrugs.

"So why do you have to stick to rules that no one else in your family sticks to? Seems like to me that you've been cleaning up your family's messes for too long. Family…it's what you make it. There's no rules written in stone that you have to obey, it's different for everyone's family," Luke says. 

"In my family…shit…"

"It's rough having two families to deal with," Luke says.

"Yeah," Ryan sighs.

"Are we going to eat sometime this century?" Seth yells through the door.

"Can it, Cohen," Luke yells back. Ryan laughs. Luke glares at him.

"Sorry. I just can't believe that you guys weren't friends before I came here," Ryan smiles. 

***** 


	11. Eleven

* * *

Ryan surprises Seth by attempting to eat when Luke sets out the hamburgers. He glares at Seth to keep him from commenting.

"So, Ryan. Still don't feel like talking about your visitor today?" Seth asks instead.

"Who came to see you? Marissa?" Luke asks.

"Theresa," Ryan mutters.

"Your ex? What? I talk to Marissa," Luke shrugs after catching confused looks from both boys.

"Theresa's your ex?" Seth asks with his mouth full.

Ryan doesn't respond immediately. He tilts his head and turns to Luke. "Did you go out with anyone before Marissa?"

Luke shrugs. "No. We were together…as long as I can remember. I mean…I cheated on her…but we didn't break up until you got here," He says uncomfortably.

Ryan nods.

"Why?" Luke asks.

Ryan hesitates.

"Come on, man, cough it up," Seth urges.

"Theresa…we were never…together, like boyfriend-girlfriend…but we were always…together."

"You had sex with her but never went out. I got it," Luke nods.

"Yeah. Exactly. So she came by today and she wanted…she wanted a goodbye fuck…" Ryan starts. "And she got all pissed when I turned her down…so…I'm with Marissa, now, right? But we're not…we're not together yet…we haven't made it that far…but it's still cheating, right?"

Luke and Seth are silent and thoughtful. 

"So, you've slept with Theresa in the past…and you're not sleeping with Marissa…" Luke thinks aloud. "But I would say, yes. It's probably still cheating. Girls think anything's cheating. Just talking to her today will probably be cheating," He shrugs.

"True," Ryan nods.

"She wanted a goodbye fuck? Does that really happen?" Seth asks.

"Shut up," Ryan smiles.

"I mean, maybe Marissa would understand…if you told her that it was for goodbye," Seth says.

"You're joking, right?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. Completely," Seth nods. 

"So you turned her down? Is she hot?" Luke asks.

"Yes, she's hot…and yes, I turned her down. I mean, sure, I've been with her before but…I'm trying to change. I'm trying not to be…"

"A male slut?" Seth finishes for him. Ryan glares at him as Luke starts to laugh.

"I'm trying to change, Seth. I don't want to be with a different girl every night. I want to be with Marissa," Ryan says.

"A different girl every night? God, I want to move to Chino," Luke groans.

* * *

Seth walks into the house and finds his parents sitting at the counter in the kitchen.

"Where's Ryan?" Sandy asks.

"Oh, he got wasted and Luke's dragging him to the poolhouse," Seth says. Kirsten and Sandy look up in surprise. "Joking. He walked around the house."

"Why didn't he come inside?" Kirsten asks.

Seth shrugs. "He said he wanted to get changed."

"Did you guys eat?" Kirsten asks.

"Yeah, Luke made burgers. Ryan even ate, like, half one. He didn't get sick. He seems…better. I think it was nice for him to get out. And, god, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Luke seemed to talk some sense into him."

"Really? Luke?" Sandy asks in surprise.

"Yeah. Weird. Like twilight zone weird. I'm going to go upstairs," Seth says.

"Your turn or mine?" Kirsten asks, turning to Sandy.

"Your turn. He was pretty pissed at me when I talked to him earlier…" Sandy replies.

"How about I just take care of both of you at once?" Ryan's voice startles them both and Kirsten drops her coffee. 

"Ryan, how are you feeling?" Sandy asks as Kirsten flushes and cleans up her spill

Ryan is standing tentatively in the doorway to the kitchen from the patio. He closes the door behind him.

"I'm feeling better, Sandy."

"Seth said you ate at Luke?" Kirsten asks.

"Yeah. A little. I didn't throw it up so I'm considering that a victory," Ryan says. He doesn't join them at the counter. He stands nervously by the door. 

"So what's up?"

"So. I feel better. I talked to Luke and…Theresa…and I thought a lot about what went down. And I feel better. I just thought I should tell you guys that."

"Oh. Good," Sandy says, surprised. 

"Yeah. That's what I thought. So, I'll be good for school tomorrow, if that's okay," Ryan says in reply.

"Honey, are you sure you're ready?" Kirsten asks.

"Yeah. I'm ready. I shouldn't miss any more days," Ryan admits.

"This is pretty sudden…"

"I don't think I'll ever get over something like…this. But I feel better. I think…it's not my fault. The guilt…it's still there, but I'm better. If you want me to stay home, that's cool. But I'm ready to go back," Ryan says.

"Okay. We'll talk about it in the morning. Go get some sleep," Sandy nods.

"Thanks." Ryan hesitates. "For everything."

* * *


End file.
